You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
Her exstacy made her nickname everyone David. Nobody knows who the fuck she's talking to so we just say no to everything she says. She's crying.
You just kept shouting "I AM AN ADULT!" until he agreed to carry you home on his shoulders.
Things are burning & the world smells of peanut butter. It's beautiful.
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
Well on the plus side I have started adding benefiber to my bottle of wine
I woke up with the Dorothy costume at my ankles, both sparkly red shoes on, and clutching ToTo....we're not in Kansas anymore, dude
Bake him heart shaped cookies?!? Send him a picture of your tits like an ADULT!
Everything I own smells like cigarettes and victory right now. The smell is never coming out.
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
You ripped my pants off and gave me the choice use it or lose it what was I suppose to do.
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
That's good to know, because I will be doing terrible things to you. Terrible things, John, wicked, evil, maniacal things shall happen to you and I will have the audacity to call it sex
STILL COMPLETELY OKAY WITH THIS
Randomize
