Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
We sat on the porch laughing about hilarious the sunrise was. And that we can do drugs again in the morning, thank god
Who was the person who brought the rooster when they won @ beer pong
Don't they also have a lot of serious head injuries?
I didn't say I wanted to marry one of them. Or that I want one to perform surgery on me. I just want to have hot, dirty, MMA style sex.
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
Wrong. I really wanted to see the movie. And she was on top of me like she was riding a mechanical bull. Who am I to complain? I live to serve.
Last night I somehow got INCREDIBLY wasted & thought it was a good idea to make a group chat with all the guys I'm hooking up with and just say "bye." soo I'm hiding out till next week.
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
I have a vagina. So i automatically win.
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
i'll explain later but cookie monster is playing the xylophone
We're in an alley with a psychic wizard, shes reading our palms
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