my new favorite insult= "thundercunt"
Well its official I'm an idiot. I made out hardcore with an employee last night in our banquet room. Oh and got wasted at work. Oh and showed my staff squirrel on a trampoline.
Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
You've got the short couch unless you find some girl to take you home
Challenge accepted.
I'm sad your dog died... Her name is my stripper name.
We had sex and then he fed me pie. This is the best friends-with-benefits situation ever.
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
I still can't believe you had sex with someone who willingly went by Peaches.
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
I feel like she is getting all kinds of bacterial exposure that may otherwise have been avoided had she been wearing pants
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
don't worry, i'm not mad. i'm just angry. and furious. and about to set your ass on fire.
He's stripped out of his boxers and is dancing and slapping his dick with string cheese...I don't know whether to call for help or take a video.
Randomize
