I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
Martha Stewart would most definitely roll a great joint.
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
After I threw him out he walked down the street peeing in stride. I almost wanted to let him back in.
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
He kept walking up to every girl at the party saying "Hi, I'm George Clooney. No I won't marry you." He left with three girls.
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
He was my first. He knew. He knew right there I was wrapped around his penis.
Like 50% of me thinks it'll be weird, 25% of me is curious & 25% of me is horny
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
I have his gate key so know he has to see me again.
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
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