I pooped in a mop bucket.
WTF???
Their employee restroom was locked what kind of customer service is that
I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
every time i send "do you want some cock" to her T9 manages to change it to "anal"...i think she's mad now
I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
we couldn't afford a big pool so we bought 2 kiddie pools and put the inflatable beer pong table inbetween. get over here. now.
Look man, sometimes you just gotta say "Sure! Why not? I can always take a shower afterwards"
Yea no bueno and I only brought enough weed to last one night. And it was no Hanukah nug, it didn't last 8 days.
He just walked in the house and decided to wake everyone up by yelling "I SHIT MYSELF!" We all thought he was joking....we were all wrong.
it's not like I want to die, I just want life to stop for a little bit. how does that work?
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
Well. Another one of my exes came out of the closet.
I love it when strippers help me get other strippers numbers.
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
Randomize
