Ps there is totally a drug addled prostitute in olympic pizza asking for change for a 100 bill
if he's not good at sex i should be allowed to have sex with someone who is. that's a totally legit statement i think
Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
I'd be there a lot sooner if these damn stairs would stop moving.
It's awesome, he has so much more free time now that he's not screwing other girls behind my back
i was giving head the other day and thought of your all penis tastes the same quote and couldnt stop laughing
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
Look idk the rules and regulations of our freindship...but I need you to carry me to my car.
Randomize
