the chick doesn't look like she's put anything in her mouth for weeks other than his dick.
we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
you woke up and yelled "the tv is moving" and fell on the floor and passed back out
At Grandmas for dinner. She is drinking a smirnoff ice. As soon as I saw it I had to stop myself from yelling chug.
and the award for most disgusting thing ever done on my couch now officially goes to you! Congratulations, you won the couch...I can't even look at it anymore.
he's gonorrhea incarnate
I'm hiding in a cabinet. I'm going to stay here.
Do you think wearing a shirt that says I like penis is too much for tonight?
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
you licked my face then when I finally got you to the bathroom, mid puke you said you liked the taste of my foundation.....you weren't drunk at all....
I don't care. She's the only girl to make me feel like my face is melting when she blows me.
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
Well, he pretended he was climbing me like he was a monkey and I was a tree during sex.
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
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