That's kind of creepy but I guess since I'm wearing your dad's pants nothing is off limits anymore
Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
Let me start this apology by saying you were the finest piece of ass I ever had.
It's only 10 in the morning...josh is already on the way to the ER for trying to shotgun a beer with a sparklers sticking out of it on fire.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
I knew it was on when he was dancing on stage and I gave him a dollar so in return he ripped my tit out of my shirt and started sucking on it IN THE MIDDLE OF THE BAR.
did you know that my friend knows a guy with 3 balls what the actual fuck
It's fun yes. But hard on the body. I woke up with her purse, socks and one of her shoes in my room. The other shoe was outside. What the fuck were we doing last night?
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
Btw any and all sexual fantasies or arousal I had about cops is null and void.
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
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