hell no. last time, i couldn't pee straight for a week.
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
Dude I woke up in her bed wearing a top hat and bunny slippers and noticed one of us had pissed in bed. The last thing I wanted to ask for was a ride home
Sex last night was mind blowing. your wife is one lucky lady.
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
And fyi howling is not an acceptable form of communication.
I plan on showing these boobs to so many people that by the end of it ill just have a shirt of beads.
And with one simple text you can separate the men from the boys...."it's that time of the month."
He told me to keep watching the Grammys and then went down on me.. I think I'm in love.
Just got home, my brothers stoned and he got a high score on COD.. He just asked me if I wanted to have a celebrational yogurt with him. Wtf?
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
Randomize
