i never thought i'd have to say "please stop having sex on me"
wow.
yeah, it was that bad.
Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
So he passed out in the bathroom of the bar, woke up thinking he was somewhere else and called her flipping his shit because he thought she left him. She had to go into the men's bathroom to find him, and then he told her she was "trying too hard to be his girlfriend" over and over again.
Dont they live together now? Havent they been together for like two years?
Yeah. That's the best part. I always thought he was kind of a pussy but turns out he's a degenerate just like us. Welcome
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
I am moving slowly w him. I havent even masturbated to him yet.
we should probably just go check in at the police station right now
It would just be icing on the fucked up cake we're baking, if he got me pregnant.
Why am I the only one golf clapping for the vomiting girl on the train who just fell of her seat into her own vomit
You know it's a good weekend when you wake up on Sunday questioning your sexuality.
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
Apparently after I threw up I put my socks in the toilet......
I imagine my service panda will provide sufficient protection. At the very least it will be an irresistible cuddly distraction while I make good my escape.
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
i mean ive seen your left buttcheek how much more bro can this get
Makes hanging out interesting when she lights you on fire just to roll ontop of you to 'put you out'.
Randomize
