note to self..putting cheap vodka in a bottle of grey goose does not make it taste better
sorry i walked in and ruined it, but i had to laugh she looked like a pile of bologna the way you had her pinned up on the wall
I got a chicken sandwich and a frosty out of her. Better then having sex
Is there a nice way to say "I like you, but I hate your dick?"
DO NOT FUCK HIM ON MY BEAN BAG CHAIR
about to get into a hot tub with three cops. this cant go well
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
If you hook up with your cousin you will permanently be my favorite person ever.
Yay for living on the edge. I'm trying this new thing where I stop mom-arming people and promote bad decisions. It's working quite well.
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
A gay guy went down on me in the club bathroom and then fixed my makeup for me
its gonna be a great night
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
I don't think stranger penis made your tonsils bleed
There's a dude wearing a banana suit at the house across the street....
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
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