If I remember correctly, I may have been smoking a cigarette on the dance floor. This is the true sign of a douchebag in his native habitat...fmylife
if it were possible I'd exchange my vagina for a diff one on the black market.
She has 260 profile pics. In 260 she's ugly and in 255, she's making the peace sign with her hands...
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
Exactly. So you're exempt under the "I can't just fuck her to make it go away" clause of 2010.
I have a friend that keeps saying he wants to go bear hunting. Thought I would say just walk down church street at night. What intersection is it?
Based on your 5AM twitter activity I gather you found MORE FREE COKE??
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
for real. if he messaged me that i'd have made his penis cower in a corner.
All I've consumed in the last 24 hours is cranberry vodka and kosher for passover biscotti
That's what happens when you party with the tribe
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
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