Don't make out with my wife yet
there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
i just went through and liked all 1,239 of her pictures instead of writing my english paper. don't tell her, i want her to be surprised
He managed to completely creep out every girl I was with last night. It was almost inspiring how efficient it was.
My vagina would be awesome. I would be the most popular girl in the village.
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
We can't BOTH have terrible sex lives. Get fucked or throw him out.
We're about to play the try not to vom at the president's house game...
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
I love when groups of boys part so I can walk through. It's like a red sea of penises, and I am their Moses.
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
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