I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
she had that "i just got used" look on her face when i kicked her out at 5am
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
I think that's the first time Navy dress blues and a Ninja Turtles onesie have been involved in the same makeout.
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
I've now spilled wine and got poptarts all over my cast. So much for my doc taking me seriously...
so when he he finally wandered back into the room it was with a pound of cream cheese which he ate in 5 minutes flat and then passed out
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
How does it make you feel that I can't control my vagina around you?
Randomize
