You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
I just recorded courtney puking and set it as my ringtone.
I finally beat you i just fucked my professor last night!!!\n\n
sry, psychiatrist trumps professor
They are making fun of natty and blackberries.
Tell them they are ugly.
Some guy dressed like Santa just handed me a bottle of tequila. I NEVER WANT TO LEAVE CANCUN
Happy Thanksgiving! Hope its not too awkward that your dad and your boyfriend are the same age.
We could all 3 jump out of a cake in just tophats. A true marble cake.
Dude, I puked in the stall for God knows how long. Halfway through, a kid sits down in the stall next to me and starts jacking off, i heard the porn on his phone and everything. so FYI, the middle stall is where good nights go to die
Yeah sorry about that. I got pulled into the Russian student society's end of term party. There was too much vodka and eurodance to come help you pack.
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
You're doing screenings before you set me up again- no child sized dicks allowed.
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
For some reason she gave me a handjob. It was all very confusing
That's when I realized I was probably naked in the wrong bed
What happened last night dude?
YOU SHIT ON MY FUCKING COFFE TABLE THATS WHAT FUCKING HAPPENED!!!
Randomize