Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
When you're about to leave, tell him "bye." At that point, he should say something. If he doesn't say anything, well, our drinks were free and he gets a free make out with yours truly.
yeah he didnt know till after their one year. You have no idea how bad i wanna say "dude i sucked on those boobs before you"
Some dude just bet me $8 I couldn't smoke a pack of cigarettes in an hour...It sounds stupid, but I really wanna do it. If I survive, I'll have $8 and it'll look good on my resume.
only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
That's why they call him "the cheesegrater".
There was a stripper pole on the party bus. Was being past tense because some fat chick somehow tore it from the ceiling while grinding
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
She pinched my nipples too hard I THINK THEYRE GONE
I TOLD YOU ABOUT GOTH CHICKS BRO. I WARNED YOU
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