Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
I brought my laptop into the bathroom so I can facebook while vomiting. New low?
im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
I'm sitting in class drinking a forty out of a paper bag. No ones said anything yet. I think my professor is trying to ignore me. Better start yelling louder.
You spent about half an hour trying to convince me that mesh condoms were a good idea.
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
I want a coyote to ride back and forth to the bathroom because walking is getting old
Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.
Yeah but sometimes your vagina needs to be fed and when we are drunk we tend to eat junk food
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
I was really proud of me too last night! Found a discarded hamburger that I have no memory of at the foot of the bed. Instead of a Dude. I'm really growing as a person
I had sex on a seadoo on the middle of the lake lastnight
I'm good. But Nutella doesn't taste as good as it used to.
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
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