A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
I was thinking Sara Jessica Parker was hot. That high.
Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?
just saw a couple drunkenly stumble over to the family planning aisle of Walgreens. inspiring.
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
Seriously though a big penis is like a puppy dog, or a sunny day or some other glorious thing
You are such a penis elitist
I'm using the bullet from my cock ring to massage out my tmj lock jaw from giving too much head.
It's supposed to be a shit show, it's an end of the world party.
Happy birthday, you long dick monster
I threw up in my closet when I was hammered last night. Like a fucking toddler. I can't play with the grow ups.
make that a herd of moose. they will be my moose minions
I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
you're like an angel sent from heaven to guide my sex life into greatness
Thats so sweet
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
Randomize
