They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
so just saw tiger woods pull a page out of his wifes book and hit some kid in the head with a golf club
dude that bald bouncer just did a body shot off of brian and then kicked us out for trying to charge him for it
He has a landing strip. I repeat he has shaven himself a landing strip. HELPPPP!
She's pathetic and vulnerable..and short. Thats his type.
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
Whore. There is deli meat in my wallet.
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
He was peeing on the back wall of a building. He would have been okay if the building hadn't been a police station.
So that advice that humming stops you from puking? Yeah no, just puked through my nose.
Aint no party like a Broke College Girls Eating Stuffed Crust Pizza party
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
Randomize
