my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
They're watching TV in bed. The Golden Girls to be exact. Aaaand I just heard them singing along with the theme song. I love living with gays.
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
just mapquested my walk of shame from saturday..bye bye freshman 15
So I managed to get the bitch who has been copying off me all semester in History to copy the names of Pokemon towns off my test.
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
Saw you fall down on Jefferson and a cop drove by and shook his head. How you didnt get arrested after the party you went to on saturday is beyond me.
Cassie is wearing a baseball cap. This rebound is going nowhere
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
He texted his hospitalized grandma while inside me, so really a perfect gentleman.
All im saying is that my face might fall off.
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
Randomize
