Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
Going to Kmart high is like jumping in a time machine back to the 80s
just tripped. bootyfest 2012 will be my engagement party. i saw the whole future. i'm moving to the beach.
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
I cannot believe I said bareback movement...
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
We need to pull ourselves out of this slump. We need dick and lots of it. We are going to fuck our way to happiness.
Im the proud new owner of the campus speed bump sign
I've somehow found myself in an emotionally abusive relationship with a married man who gives me drugs.
My life is quickly turning into a Lifetime movie.
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
After the bar we stopped to Meijer where I found myself singing little mermaid while rubbing a pack of hotdogs on my face..
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
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