i've got a dick and you've got a pussy....what is the problem??
Don't worry, there is no such thing as a fat, old or ugly blow job.
True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
i wish the dell website had a "did you drink an entire bottle of rum and stepped on your laptop which shattered the screen this weekend and would like to know how to fix it without your parents finding out FAST?" link on their homepage.. i can't be the only one
No mixer. Vodka in yogurt?
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
I was ok with it until you started yelling " just the tip!" I know she's you gf but don't backseat drive the three-way.
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
The tequila covers up the fact that the choco liquor tastes like sadness.
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
Dude. He almost took three different girls home, all while dressed up as Amy Winehouse. If he goes as Kurt Cobain next weekend, we're screwed.
She asked how comfortable I was with her while we were in the shower. She then proceeded to pee in said shower.
we were running around the halls trying to bloodhound search out the source of the weed smell, but we ran into six other people doing the same thing, and they all said they assumed it was us.
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
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