I can't remember last night. I must have yelled at your girlfriend til she cried again.
Yup.
When we made out her lip\nose ring fell out in my mouth. Awkward?
there is no excuse for drinking mascato in your room alone while listening to one-hit wonders from the 90s
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
I felt so bad but my urge to be with you & drunkenly eat your face was apparently much stronger.
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
I mean I want to go somewhere. I just don't want to put on pants or behave.
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
I get off at 11. but they've been letting me go early cuz I've been crying a lot
He came over and fucked me while my conference call was on mute. Working from home is the best.
Hungover on St. Patrick's Day. I did this backwards.
Randomize
