I hate having morals and standards the next morning.
She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
I just pulled a piece of cookie out of my bra in the middle of class. I'm forever alone.
Last time he went to Europe, every time he started drinking he would wake up in a different country with no memory. There is no way he can be tour leader.
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
I sent a picture of my balls to one of my best friends, so basically it was an average night.
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
I'm perplexed as to why anyone on this planet is straight
Idk if I deserve a medal or a one way ticket to hell
He told us a story about a time his 80 year old uncle karate chopped a dick in a glory hole.
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
Randomize
