Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
is this the only place in the world where you can get shot on one side of town, and have to stop for cows crossing the street on the other side?
It's a good thing i didn't end up pregnant...i would have had to figure out his last name.
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
i had choclate birthday cake for breakfast and am currently flossing my teeth w a condom wrapper. at work. hot mess for 200 alex
Ugh. This is the type of hangover that all other hangovers want to grow up to be.
ok it turns out chain mail does not protect against falling down a flight of stairs. please send help.
It isn't possible and the very mindfuck of that concept gives me a lady boner.
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
In theory, it seemed like it would work.
well at least you got laid last nighT. I woke up on a pile of laundry
On a scale from 1 to 10 how gross is it to get a chili dog from a vending machine?
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
The only thing i ask you for is vegan food and sex.
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