I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
just left the emergency room. condom extraction.
i should have probably stopped drinking when my beer pong shots were hitting the other team in the face..
yeah thats usually a good indication.
she just gave her compliments to the chief, at dennys
finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.
just threw all of the fireworks into the bonfire. thats why there are firetrucks.
So after I was tied with a feather boa he left me there with KFC and cherry coke
all i know is that i listed him in my phone as 'vagina cookies.' that can only be a good thing.
I dunno... But she calls vodka "dancing juice"
I'm trying to pinpoint the moment when "don't do anything I wouldn't do" became bad advise.
you kept saying "i will not *breathe* regret this *breathe* in the morning *breathe* i just gotta remember *breathe* to BREATHE"
If blow jobs were a super power she'd be in the Justice League.
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
I fucked him on shrooms. His dick looked like a missile and he had snakes coming out of his ears. It. Was. AWESOME!
Randomize
