i would give spencer pratt a bj just so i could bite his dick off
he'd just find a way to get more famous from being a eunich.
At one point during the moaning he reminded me of Forrest Gump
how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
he's having a long distance Facebook-coordinated power hour. the status update has 159 comments ...
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
Vegas is awesome. Its like you have a kentucky accent girls automatically assume you don't have herpes.
She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.
After the concert, I paid a cab to drive me around the city so I could shout "dc highfive!" at everyone who passed for an hour and a half.
I have to fuck proof my bed. It was in the middle of the room this time.
When else am I ever going to have a chance to do lines with T-Pain?
The best part is when you puked in your slurpree and the 7 eleven guy still made you pay for it
Yeah? Well I'm currently predrinking downstairs in my room by myself. Absolut and water with a hint of mint because I'm using the glass I keep my toothbrush in. Fuck, you bitches better get off work soon.
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
I just gave a fucking twenty minute blowiob.. I'm a GOOD girlfriend.
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