just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
you just kept swimming in circles and whenever someone would try and coax you out you would scream "i CANNOT drown, my brother is the supervisor of a water park!!
That's a really weird place to spoon. Especially if there are more accessible places to spoon. Like a bathtub.
Waking and baking has revolutionized how i brush my teeth. Seriously up to like 25 min everry morn. Highly recommend
The strip club called, they have your shoe.
Life lesson today, a six foot hot guy I meet at a party CANNOT fit on my bike with me.
Joe decreed the livingroom and the hallway up to the burn mark his kingdom. I think this is the point of 'stage an intervention'
If that's all it takes to cure your hangovers then you need to drink more.
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
Just laying in bed, snuggling my cat, and pondering whether I'd like to attend a swingers party this evening...
I just found those cheese sticks in my purse. Along with a handful of confetti.
A bitchslap is in order.
When you realized the door was unlocked, you did the mission impossible yheme song and snuck into the bathroom. And continued it while you peed.
Randomize
