We were done making out and had been asleep for a hour. I felt him put his hand on my butt. Then I farted.
did you mean anything you said last night? i just wnna know
no
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
Dating Detox Day 5: had to go out and buy new batteries. this may be harder than I thought
Dude. There's gotta be an article in Cosmo about it cause I've had three different girls tongue tickle my brownie this month.
I really wanted to suck your dick, but I also didn't want to miss any of the movie
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
yeah im watching him make his speech now. cant take him seriously tho. hes talking about funding for education and all i can think about is how ive seen what he looks like wearing womens underwear...
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
The first time he ever tried to hold my hand, I moon walked away.
you know it was a good night when you wake up with a medal around your neck
you came home and ate 12 bananas. you really didnt think mom would know you were high?
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
Randomize
