Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
U know u have sex too much when u have lube in ur rolliball on ur blackberry
no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
You missed lesbians having sex in the bathroom and the whole bar clapping for them. I had to do recon. It was amazing
i'll booty call him tonight after the radiohead concert, that way he can see his favorite band and his favorite vagina all in one night.
Currently trying to figure out if the guy has a cane next to me or brought a weird dildo to the bar
So his shoes are still here. And there are three contacts in a case. And a shirt on the bed. I've checked my dorm and he's not here. I'm so confused.
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
Did you clean his pubes up off the table yet?
You keep talking about hotdogs and yelling "COME ON DOWN, LET ME SEE WHAT YOU'RE WEARING"
Fucking suck it up and drink your feelings like a normal human being.
90% sure the total babe I have been talking to all night has a kid. Ugh, so sad right now.
Im so high
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
Feel free to drag me back to reality at your convenience
Randomize
