This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
She celebrated a negative pregnancy test by going out to Quizno's. I really don't understand her at all.
i dont think my parents would of encouraged me to save years of birthday money if they knew what i would eventually spend it on
The freshman sure do fuck up the whataburger line at 2am
come help me. im curled up in the fetal position on the upper floor of the lib. please bring more caffeine or alcohol
its ok. its hell week the lib is a no judgment zone right now
She is larger then a hippo. You could cut her open in the middle of a blizzard and crawl in like Luke skywalker. Throw a couch and a tv in there and you're set
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
I threw up a lot of peanut butter last night.
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
How was your day?
Peaceful. I left the house to get paid and get fried chicken.
If only he'd realize the fondness I have for his genitals.
Randomize
