i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
i just learned how to squirt via google. life is good.
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
This could be one of the worst things i've done... The background of her phone is her and her boyfriend.
Some guy is walking around the bar with his dick out. Health code violation?
He asked me to hum the Ghost Busters theme song as I was going down on him
nothing like going to the bathroom, running into the wall, thinking its a person and saying"its ok i just had the 4 beers" even the wall knew i was lying
I still can't get over the fact that he thinks I have my life together... That has to be one of the nicest yet most sadly misled things anyone has ever said about me
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
I'm pretty sure I just came a kidney stone..
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
Regardless I WANT TO BE YOUR SEX DISPENSARY. that is like the career I was born for.
we should get together and get drunk.
On a Monday?
don't discriminate against mondays.
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
Randomize
