I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
an unopened bag of salt and vinegar chips... probably the best thing I've ever found in my room while high.
get to allyx's house asap
Ok is everything ok
Yeah, theres just lesbians
omg yes on my way
His response today determines what state my vagina will be in this weekend.
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
its not that I hate him, it's just that I wish his penis was attached to someone i like more
He was saying things like "cum for me like a good girl" and "put my entire python I like to call a dick in your mouth" .. Okay I might have changed that one a bit
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
We made out in front of everyone INCLUDING his girlfriend. And no one saw. THAT DRUNK!
So, I almost went hone with a French guy and a drag queen. Together. Then I became sober enough to realize, that's not my style.
Woke up with a glow stick in my boobs this morning. Must've dominated Sunday.
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
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