There are thorn wounds on my balls, don't ever question my dedication to party again
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
Told him I'd blow him in the bathroom. There was a giant window everyone was looking thru. He whipped it out n I burst out laughing n walked away. Even blackout drunk I set the bar high. You should be proud.
You paid at the door and they gave you a straw for the kiddie pool full of booze.
After a bit there were two girls who got naked and liquor wrestled. I don't think it was planned.
Do not shit in our house. There is no TP. I am walking to get more, if I do not return, I have probably died of dysentery after my last wagon wheel got stuck in a gulch. Tell Martha and Lou Ann that I love them, and that I passed away doing the Lord's work.
You passed out with your mouth on the faucet, straddling the keg, with your arms wrapped around it
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
Did i tell you that he's legal and i got his number? Because he's legal and i got his number. THIS BITCH AIN'T GOING TO JAIL YET
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
Why did I ever allow that penis to enter my sacred temple?
Apparently my thong was thrown in the cornfield last night. No one will tell me why.
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
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