Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
Yes, yes she is. This will teach her not to pull her vibrator out and harass people with it at parties.
Dude I'm looking through my old high school year book and I circled every girl I fucked.. what was wrong with me.
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
She kept saying how cute and adorable I was. I felt like a care bear getting a blowjob
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
How do you get kicked out of 3 different Subways in one night..
Not very gracefully, that's how.
I took a picture of you last night while you were drunk, trying to smoke a bowl through your nose. It's now your contact id.
Two grav bong hits and a shower later and I'm ready for company
It's like you say things that speak to my soul on a deep personal level
so i just met a former male stripper who has a lion king tattoo. new BFF? i think yes
Drunk is a universal language darling
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
Randomize
