I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
Somehow I managed to make my Dunkin Donuts uniform look slutty. And I'm not even wearing hoops.
We'll probably be arrested for having a cheetah in our apartment anyway, so I say go for it.
This is no lauging matter. Huge cock equals great sex. Marriage to huge cock equals great life.
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
I'm sitting next to a ginger. She is decked out in olive green. Gingers fucking love olive green.
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
my nose is crying tears of wow.
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
You can say goodbye to our security deposit.
Already? What he do?
Opened a bag of topsoil at the party and spread it all over the living room. TOPSOIL!
Well the good news of being walked in on, my mom says your tits are pretty. Then she added that hers were like that once. Fml
Shut up. I hate you. We're doing shots tomorrow. Fuck the consequences.
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
Randomize
