Best part is I totaly had to get into my dads car like I didn't have my pants off two minutes ago.
I couldnt find her vag and just started laughing uncontrollably. She was not pleased. Neither was i.
I refuse to have another spring break doomed by pregnancy.
The used rubbers I threw behind her bed all semester must have landed on the baseboard heater. They went up in smoke when she turned on the heat last night.
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
Just pee around me
By the way I got my period today. No NHL babies for me.
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
Dude a gay guy just Sparta kicked this Samoan guy for calling him a flamer you need to get down here the free kamakazee shots haven't even started yet
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
Maybe whip a sausage around while you do it and pour some beer on you. Like a German white snake video
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
He sent me off with a naked dance ending in a meat swing. I don't think I'll be seeing him again.
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