I want you more than these girls want KFC
I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
Foreign porn with subtitles is a little disappointing.
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
Under someone's bed. Not sure whose. I think they're sleeping in it.
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
I would like to apologize once again for rubbing your thigh with my hands and face for a very long time last night.
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
he was wearing a pyjama shirt under a dress shirt under a hoodie under a robe under a rain poncho the man was prepared for anything
In my life time, I want nothing more than to get a blow job while watching Space Jam.
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
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