I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
my shit smells like andre
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
So High I just made Cadbury Coffee. I don't know what it is yet, but it involves Cadbury Eggs and coffee.
I don't really know I'm just giving her a key to get back in and the "don't get pregnant speech" and leaving it at that.
She gives pretty bad head, but when it's in her dad's Lexus SUV it's tough to complain.
She made a roadhead CD. Can I marry her?
Weve literally been going out drinking five days a week. That counts as a full time job right?
Did not foresee holding down food at work today to be a struggle today
Also I played a weird game of chicken in the ladies room at work between myself the person pooping 2 stalls over and a very determined maintenance man.
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
Grandma's bordering on serious shit show territory at this point.
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
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