Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
I got to watch him fuck me from behind in the reflection of an ornament. so glad I decorated.
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
Was this before, or after you took my brand new bag of shredded cheese, and "Made it rain"?
We're having a serious conversation and I just responded to something he said with an emoticon. I am so baked.
Why i have shady connections. Owner just txt me asking to come by and judge the new stripper.
He came over drunk in a speedo i told him he has my vote he said who are you voting for when i said obama he took off running and shouting i was worthless like an empty beer can
He paid the bartender with money from the tip jar then proceeded to hit on me in front of my date. I love frat dances
I'm just so happy. I go to sleep and when I wake up there will be chocolate milk and penis.
I went up by the border of Canada. We took shrooms and went fishing...pretty sure we killed a dragon and ate it for dinner
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
I'm gonna die. First I'm gonna throw up. But then I'm gonna die.
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
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