Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
She told me I should be a condom model.
His best friend walked in while we were banging, turned on the light, yelled BURN, grabbed his computer to play the Thunderstruck drinking game, turned off the light and left.
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
I keep looking at his nude pics and crying because ill never see it in person again.
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
We cuddled after till the morning. Then he woke up sober... and straight.
She called to say the cops were not fake cops. some one has to go get her in an hour
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
Never in a million years thought I would have to put jello shot recipe/equation into an excel spreadsheet
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
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