So I'm stoned for 420, and have an eye doctor appointment in fifteen minutes
Are your eyes okay
I mean if I was Asian they would be
She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
Im starting to realize why people dont masturbate while driving
I couldn't tell if he was hitting on me or if he was just mentally challenged.
If he doesn't notice me by the next party, i'm just gonna go up to him and pll his pants down and blow him.
Sounds like a plan.
The last shot i remember taking was toasted to "love, sex, and magic". Needless to say I was 0 for 3 on that toast for the night.
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
He invited to drink but spelled forties wrong so no thx
If he's gonna send me dick pics; he should at least zoom in to make it look bigger.
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
Clearly the Stanley Cup Finals good luck hand job IS necessary. You let the whole team down.
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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