Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
Just applied online. Cant stop hiccupping. May be drunk. Hope they liked my smiley faces.
Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
threw up during christmas carols. the audience at the church seemed to immediately know i was a college student
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
No its cool I don't even have to do anything he is rapping to one of the strippers. He is punishing himself enough.
Yes I want to fuck your friends but it's out of respect and love for you.
I'm so in the Halloween spirit, I zombified my all of my nudes on my phone. Tell me this isn't creative.
Is it cheating if its a threesome? This is more like a party game than infidelity.
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
Is 1:30 too early for the bar?
Do you want my opinion or society's?
I want your company
I was figuring I'd break up with her after work, but before Taco Tuesday
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
Randomize
