I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
I'm currently using two paint brushes as chopsticks to eat lasagna.... college.
Being a slut is okay if you're being a polite slut, right?
I slept with him because his girlfriend should know better than to be with him given is reputation. It was like sex and a lesson all in one.
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
These last 48 hours have just been about deleting my most recent snap story
Now in listening to Jerome Bettis speak at the hall of fame and my boner just started twirling a terrible towel
I'm slacking. We've been hooking up for months and I have yet to bang him while he's wearing the clown mask.
Do you ever have one of those days when your breasts are just fucking awesome?
I would also like you to tell your human bio class that I successfully smoked out the flu. 103 degree when I woke up yesterday. 100degree after one bowl. 4 more bowls and 16 hours later all that's left is a cough
Did you pee in the oven last night??
There is an episode of "how it's made" on tv right now. The subject is tequila and water beds. Basically my life.
I've seen your dick too many times for both of us to be straight.
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