So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
Girl please we both know I eat his bullshit up like its candy sprinkled with crack
I ended up in a bathroom giving my hymen a pep talk
the bandages come off on Tuesday. we can try out my new breasts then.
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
He's a loser but she says we just don't see the good stuff about him. It's like she's dating the Charlie Brown Christmas Tree.
Im shooting goldshlager and waxing my crotch
I stopped him mid keg stand to show him how cute my bra was...
Congrats on graduating and I'm in a cab and need someone to helps keeping me up, do you mind
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. She asked how my day was going and it got hard.
You think that was bad? One time my parents found my sister half naked on top of the four runner in the garage. She makes me look like the good child.
Randomize
