we went to sleep in different beds and woke up spooning. alcohol truly is the anti-cockblocker.
He's a good guy, we stopped by his old church.
And you didn't burst into flames?
Does it make me a prostitute if I accepted a Life House concert ticket for giving this guy head?
No. It just means your good at giving head.
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
First roommate to find me and dance with me will live. Battle Royale.
I woke up on top of his counter next to a pot of boiling water and an empty package of ramen... what happened to the ramen, we will never know.
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
I appreciate that you take the time to fix your typos even while masturbating
Quick, I need a picture of your dick. Don't ask questions, just show me your genitals.
i guess i fuck people who own bucket hats so i can't talk shit
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
I AM OFFICIALLY LICENSED TO BE A LESBIAN
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
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