you asked the guy at 7-11 if he remembered when you came in and threw news paper every where... then you did it again
I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
Well, we missed our public lewdness court date. Looks like were going to jail in Alabama ...
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
I haven't found him passed out in the living room covered in noodles for a while now so I guess he's getting better with the drinking.
If eating a cheesesteak naked doesn't make me feel better, then I don't know what will.
I was having the most awesome dream about onion rings and you hit me and told me to stop touching you...WTF?
For our final psych experiment, we're conditioning Tim to hump the nearest inanimate object and/or person every time he hears a Ke$ha song
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
She said it was unconventional for me to yell "Shazam!!" when I came inside her.
Well. I hope my dad likes whatever sweater stoned me picks out.
Two words: blizzard sex
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
His acid is intense dude. I was just over at his place laughing about the hole in the wall I was convinced was a cat
The ass gains better be worth it
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