I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
i just went dwnstairs and there are 5 guys without their shirts on hugging each other. i think i should leave now
Just took career test that listed librarian and bartender as top career choices. Fascinating.
I will fuck him senseless, no need for a priest.
I only have one eye to read your texts because I just stabbed one out after reading that last text.
Haha, apparently they frown upon male strippers there. Bouncers couldn't catch me tho.
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
Just busted the chick who slept with my boyfriend with alcohol. God I love being an RA.
My hungover walk of shame was interrupted by a stranger on a balcony throwing me a beer to shotgun... at 10 a.m....
WE HAD GREAT SEX AND I HATE MYSELF FOR IT
I did way too many drugs this past week for having a broken nose #commitment
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
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