His mom told be she once got turned down for playboy. 1 biggest mistake Hugh made. 2 is she hitting on me?
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
Would you wanna look up as you cum and for a split-second see your dad?
Using our apartments online floor/space planner to see how many beer pong tables we can fit. Dont think they had this in mind when they put this thing online.
Probably not lol but were fitting as many as possible
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
Sorry about coming to the pool in only a thong. I thought you said it was closed. Not that you were teaching a group of kids how to swim.
I've had more jaegerbombs than I can count on 3 fingers
this is the last time i am going to a 7am booty call
He painted a swimsuit on me. Naked day at the lake was a success.
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
You know you've been having sex for 9 months when you do Rock Paper Scissors for who has to go on top
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
I don't remember much, but I remember he called me the dick whisperer, so it must not have been all bad.
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
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