someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
the brownie started to kick in before i finished the essay... it became a race against my own increasing intoxication
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
I just set a bowl of cap n crunch on fire. That high.
Dude it's bad when your 10 year old son makes fun of your penis size.
We're you guys there last night when everyone started chanting "Nacho Steph"? Someone picked me up, carried me to the nacho cheese and made me do a nacho cheese stand.
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
Maybe. I want to have sex at the fire station, most likely on one of the trucks. I wonder if I can finagle that before I tire of the spelling and grammatical errors in his texts.
I have a 30 pack and enough condoms to last until tomorrow morning. Have Mystery Science Theater 3000 ready. I'm on my way over.
Our drunk hook up was interrupted by the delivery guy. When he came back to my room we ate the gyros and went back to sex like we didn't take a lunch break.
She's takin more dicks this month than I have in my life by the sounds of it
We're currently sharing pics of our cats. I can't wait to sit on her face.
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
Randomize
