Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
new excercise plan: walk a mile get a bj then walk a mile home
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
No The bastards made me buy a new one, They don't cover water damage an apparently they consider salsa water damage
That is NOT what pussyfooting around means. Try that again with your toe and I break it off.
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
Is using cherry lube as jam shameful or hilarious
I'm glad you enjoyed the night but why were you calling me "daddy"?
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
He was publicly touching my boobs before I even knew he's a famous World Cup skier.... That's how hot he was
I threw up in my 8 AM. Morale is low.
Randomize
