my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
he aplogized for the shitty sex and called me "ma'am" when he did it. And he wants redemption sex. Gah I love southern gentlemen.
Do you want the something i can tell my mom in ten year version or the you're gonna call me a whore but be proud version?
yeah they are definitely having sex in that car. joe just yelled through the window telling them to do the "titanic hand print thing"
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
shes making a cheerios necklace using dental floss 'just in case' she gets the munchies later
We popped the air mattress last night via sex and we just kept going but it feels like I have a bruise on every vertebrae
Good luck. While you're suffocating on a dick, I'll be eating pizza rolls. Being a good girl.
I just motorbotted some guy and my hair got stuck in his nipple ring...owww
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