I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
Miserable. My projectile vomit just woke me up from a 5.5 hour nap.
sex on the roof is not as easy as it sounds
I am gunna fuck the accent right out of her mouth
they came at us with fireworks while we were skinny dipping in her jacuzzi at 4 am...
The girl behind me in psych just tapped me on my shoulder to tell me there was a condom wrapper in my hood.
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
please tell me you're in jail and for some reason they have wifi
They ran out of toilet paper, so I had a girl rip down the streamers so I could wipe.
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
I also made him write a nonfiction romance novel about what happened and to give it to me when the time was right
My ninety day supply of adderal just came in the mail and I literally just dumped all 180 pills into my hands and laughed like a maniac. Shits about to get cray
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
come on Dane.. ive been there. im like the female version of you, except with morals
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