I'm worried someone is gonna take a black light to my work computer. But the connection is faster here.
Do you ever make guys send you dick pictures just cause it's hilarious?
he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
my mom used to put diet coke in my bottle. i can pretty much handle anything.
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
Apparantly 7 1/2 Vicodin is a 1/2 too many.
Drunk Tina signed up to be part of the crew team and got a text from the captain telling her there's practice tomorrow. Wtf
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
The bellhop gave us weed in our keycard envelop. We went down to tip him and he apparently never gets that so he just gave us more weed. Kentucky is strange
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
We just had a contest for who has less of a gag reflex...I am sad to admit that my mother won.
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
Randomize
