when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
Just wrote a paper about alcohol abuse that sounded like my weekend...
Outside the community dumpsters: beer bottles and a carton of orange juice. Looks like we were here.
It's shedding
I told you penises don't tan
It's like there testing me. My dad kept handing me margaritas and saying "you can take it"
It's a line of coke at 10 a.m. kind of Saturday. Don't be a pussy about life.
Turned out not to be so bad. He had a big dick and i owed him for all the free beer over the year.
I left myself a trail of jello shots, that ended at his door. OR maybe he left me a trail of jello shots at his door. DO I GO IN!?
Topless bubble bath with a lesbian is debatable as a gay experience.
The only explanation I can think of is that he still likes me. Which gives me an enormous amount of power over him and makes me laugh with malicious intent.
I tried to put my heels in the coat check
We're gonna have to check the security cameras after last night
I think I gave a random lady a dildo
Again?!
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
Randomize
