I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
He tried to make eye contact, he should know by now that freaks me out
i'm so sad bro, I can't get any pussy. I'm so sad
Apparently i just threw up in the bathroom, i told them i just blew my nose. i don't think they believe me...
The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
He wouldn't let me ride him with a Ninja Turtles hat on...
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
Random Survey Question: If things start getting serious with this cop, do I have to stop doing coke?
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
I shouldn't be allowed to be in america for NYE... or any major holiday for that matter
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
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