I wish that guy wasn't missing teeth
Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
Why does he only make me orgasm when I'm about to break up with him?
She just invited me to drunkenly make out on the kitchen floor again.....
All I wanted was a hug. You dirty, dirty whore.
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
My liver just had a heart attack.
"Clean/organize my room day" turned into "Blast my old Jock Jams cds while getting high as fuck with a strobe light day"
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
It's like you know you got fucjed up when you wake up and check fir your own pulse
COVER ME IN BACON THATS MY FETISH
ACTUALLY ITS NOT, I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA WHAT AWAKENS THE MONSTER BELOW THE BELT
Its only once in a life time you get to pick your vcard swiper up from jail
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
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