I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
she both took care of me and took advantage of me. it was BEAUTIFUL.
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
2 things. 1. I just gave her a 6 hour long marathon fucking for America. 2. Thought of a new invention halfway through, and it's flawless.
Haha that's why you never name the penis. Its like a pet, once named you will most likely get attached.
She just flushed the toilet with her head inside it...
I think I just snorted head and shoulders by mistake.
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
I like her. She smells like old lady but tastes like whiskey
I'd marry him just to keep his penis in the country
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
I'm just too horny to handle empty house
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
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