i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
unlike you, ive never imagined darth vader masturbating
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
woke up to an overdrawn credit card. did you order the dawsons creek boxset last night?
i hope so.
Bad idea. College students cannot afford both alcohol and a cat. Unless said cat is irish, and can feed itself with fifths of whisky.
He just referred to himself as a sharp shooter. I had sex with that.
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
I'm like a number 27.2 on a scale of 1-10 of how badly I want you right now.
Your lack of a response brings it down to a 25.4.
Saw the same Luigi I hooked up with last Halloween. Still in his same Luigi costume and scruff that hurt my face
Got stiff armed by the garbage man on the back of the truck...I just wanted to ride one block dude
I am googling "notable people who had syphilis"
Alright I'd bang a 4 sober, It's been like 3-4 weeks or how ever long 4th of July was ago. I wanna fuck something.
4th of July was 12 days ago. The date is literally in the text you just sent.
I don't care about the dates I just wanna bone something.
Randomize
