So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
ok this guy next to me just sat down with a no joke, 10,000 page book, popped an addy, cracked open a red bull and opened the book to page 1.
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
Why am I a bad person? You were the one trying to get people to eat tape.
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
Are you doing trivia tonite? Also sorry I peed on you.
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
Sorry for pissing on y'all's floor last night
I learned that I order a bunch of dollar shots at the bar and once it's ready turned around and say "who wants pay?" And someone will pay
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
When I meet her I'm going to have to resist the urge of saying "hey! We're Eskimo sisters!"
He literally shouted this Viking war cry when he cam. Then as we laid there he sang me the most beautiful rendition of " When Irish Eyes are Smiling". I've never been more confused.
So do you guys remember Danny from Tinder?
Sorry I only remember personality traits, not names.
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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