i hope push ups and a ton of orange juice gets rid of chlamydia
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
how do I tell him nicely and in french that we can't have sex anymore because his huge penis will ruin me for other french men?
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
I feel uncockblockable...banged her in the bathroom with my iv still in
My date keeps hitting on your friend. Had no expectations, but not a real confidence booster.
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
Hahahaaa There's this one girl crying hysterically and wrapped around (i believe) her ex's leg. He's trying to shake her off without spilling his beer. This is fucking priceless.
If you take a couple more shots you won't even know he's a mormon that drives a mini van.
Did I tell you I bit someone's arm for you last night
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
Do you remember lying across two tables saying 'go away I'm trying to pull' to me, Sollie and Sean?
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
You know your horny when you have a sex dream about Ace Ventura, if your wondering he's awful
He interrupted me giving him head to ask if I were hungry, because he wanted to eat pizza. Wtf.
Randomize
