I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
Until he has ordered mozzarella sticks & beers at 2pm while wearing formal attire, then this is still my bar.
she is the kim kardashian of front butts
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
So i'm in a museum and theres a punch bowl from 1765 with a picture of 3 men forcing the 4th to drink the punch bowl. Colonial hazing
Today's forecast is horny with strong chance of booty calls. Low of Craigslist cruising, and a high of climaxing in a stranger's bed.
Just woke up from a weed coma and found a stem in my bra. Rainy day success.
I was kind of torn between "Wow, this is awkward," and "Wow, my therapist is hung."
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
the shoes thing blows my mind idk how the fuck i did that and im also missing 4 of my birth control pills like did i drunkenly decide to overload my body with estrogen
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
I can't believe just smoked out of a pear
I can't believe you had a pear already made to smoke out of, that was impressive
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
Randomize